Sooo... Why is life so damn difficult?

Now that I type out the beginning of the post I realize a possible answer to this question... Perhaps god intended it to be difficult because you need to fight for something as magnificent as life. To HAVE life is a HELL of a lot better than being dead. Of course depending on your beliefs... it may not be. But to me, life is something so fucking beautiful and indescribable that there is nothing in comparison. So I understand having to fight for it. I will tell you now, I only got to that opinion about life after hating my own so I'm not just some pansy who cant see past butterflies and candy. I see the darkness AND the light.

But how do I get to where I want to go?

Well... PHYSICALLY.. I want to go to Nihon (Japan). But hypothetically, I want to get to a place in life where I'm not worried about how I will pay all my bills. My friend says I shouldn't fear bills after I told him I'm too scared to deal with them. (I'm not paying any just yet.) But PROOF that bills are things that CAN be feared, and it is intelligent TO fear them.. my mother. She just called me to tell me that she's cutting off the phones because she owes verizon wireless $1400. But she ended up going in to a whole preach about how I must finish school or else I will end up struggling like she does everyday. I never wondered where I got my emo-ness from but I now realize that it was totally her. She just never wore it in her clothes, or painted it on her face like I did. She told me how she wouldn't even afford dying if it were to come right now. (That's when I started crying.) I can't BEAR the thought of her dying. But I realize everyone must die eventually. So I just want her to die happy. If she were to die now... it wouldn't be happy.

The IDEA of college is really just another way to take money from people.

Trust me, it is! I see through "the lies of the beautiful people" (aka the rich, the man, however else you want to call it.) College is a conspiracy. When it all comes down to it... it truly is. The problem is it benefits you. If it didn't benefit people, perhaps THEN they would see that the idea is not of loving/caring hearts but of greedy/grabby hands. They don't give a damn about you.. but then again neither do you in vice versa right? Not only college, but life insurance... why can't we do what Adam and Eve did. Live, and then die. They didn't have insurance I can tell you that. And somehow they managed to live perfectly fine without it. So why is it so necessary? That's because in this society, in mostly ALL society's of the world, nothing is free.. "The Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch or TINSTAAFL". There couldn't be a true-er statement... yet again however, things were free for Adam and Eve. Somewhere along the line it evolved and so we have no choice. Same concept really.

I just want to live my life they way I want and then die.

Is that too much to ask for? A fortune teller told me I wouldn't live past 50... make that 2. Two completely different times in my life and 2 completely different people. I didn't think I would either before they told me, so them telling me really confirmed it. Pfft, I find that humorous... but I still do not doubt it. So why should I waste 8-10 years of my life to get a degree in a high earning field when I will waste my youthful years doing it and I wont have much time to enjoy my efforts? Exactly why I'm not pursuing a doctorates in anything. Life is short. My life is shorter than "life." So why should I waste it? I want to fulfill my bucket list, and then live out the rest of my life in peace. Unfortunately.. pursuing anything cost money... money is earned. I need a degree to earn a lot of money so that I can pursue the things on my bucket list. And so the circle of truth is found. Unfortunately.. this circle doesn't have enough time to keep spinning without action. Action must be made immediately or else I would have lived for nothing. 

     

My mother was going to abort me. Maaaybe I should do something to prove that her leaving that idea wasn't a bad decision.... maybe.

Now I realize, after my mom called today and stated balling her eyes out, that going to college and getting a degree so that I can earn more money is something that has to be done for the both of us. She went to college, but couldn't finish it because of a measly subject she kept failing. Math... Math ruined my mother's life. Maybe my skill at math was a sign... maybe... pfft, maybe? Of course it was! Any fool would realize that. So why I waste my time at a dead end job getting less hours a week then people get in a day is past my comprehension. Sometimes you just gotta step back from your life and look at it to see the problem.. For me, I already knew the problem.. it was just a dark and difficult road to go down in order to fix. Yet for some reason, it was illuminated by obviousiality. (I know that's not a word but you know what I mean.) It was so obvious.

"You are smart, so frickin smart, but you're just lazy!"

I know mom... I know. And I now know laziness kills. Laziness can literally ruin my life. It is that time now to choose. And the road is so obvious, that if I choose the latter of the two, I would have lived and died for nothing.

Do YOU know Dir En Grey???

 
      It was bound to happen. To all of you who know me, and who know who my favorite band is... ya'll knew this was coming. >:3 Alrighty soooo, Dir en Grey is an AWESOME Band from Japan! I would say what type of music they play but they have been known to just be under the genre of Dir en Grey because they are so unique. But if you want more, for now lets just say something along the lines of metal. They started out as a visual kei band but progressed their look and their music to a whole other level.
     {FYI: Visual Kei is a style created by Japanese bands where they would dress up in extravagant outfits and throw on some awesome looking make-up and hit the stage just like that, well these looks would basically be their whole thing and some were just for show. Dir en Grey stopped all that because they wanted to step outside the distraction and focus wholly on their music.}So for example, here is a picture of Dir en Grey a loong time ago, when this "over the top" look was the norm for Japanese rock artists:


Wasn't expecting that were you? Well yes, this was one of the MANY looks D.e.g. as well as other bands portrayed when visual kei was all the buzz. Now, do you HATE the way they look and think they look like a bunch of panzy's/ cross-dressers? Don't worry I have more recent things to add from them so just scroll down and move on. However, do you LOVE the way they look  and want to find out more about this visual kei stuff (like I did when I discovered it)? Well then go on! I encourage you! While there are plenty of bands that are all about their look. There are actually a majority of REALLY talented rock musicians under all this makeup. Here I'll start you off, one of the pioneer visual kei bands that created a unique sound that incorporated classical music and a dark rock sound was Malice Mizer. Look them up! If you here just ONE of their songs, you may become hooked to all Japanese music (like I ended up doing teheehee.)

 

     Now, I can't just put up a picture without a video around the same period! Because I'm for damn sure going to give you stuff from their recent albums so I'll humor you. Here is a music video for the song YOKAN from one of their earliest albums (before that picture as well.) This song really portrays D.e.g.'s earlier sound so you can really see the difference from today later on.
 

Before they changed their look they stepped outside of the J-rock (Japanese rock) persona all together and started to create music that made them get a reputation in Japan as an extremely vulgar band. So their aptly-named album VULGAR fit quite well actually. One of the songs' PV's are, till this day, a highly viewed/ controversial video on Youtube based on the lyrics and its disturbing images. Granted their are MANY videos on Youtube that fall under that catagory. OBSCURE is quite the video to behold.

   



     Following shortly after their album Vulgar, came the album WITHERING TO DEATH. And here is where they truly shone, gaining a stronger fan base in Japan and beginning a real exposure in Europe and North America. Withering to Death holds one of their most famous singles THE FINAL. A song that they continue to perform live now and again. This album also holds ONE of my PERSONAL favorites, DEAD TREE. The video isn't special but the song, my goodness... I love that friggin song... *clears throat* OK, moving on.
     After Dir en Grey changed their outfits and wiped their faces, now outside of visual kei altogether, they came out with their next album THE MARROW OF THE BONE. Here is where they really began their touring outside of Japan. They played more in Europe around this time and briefly in the states, but later on progressed to where they would play in all the major cities, more than any band Japan has ever produced.

(A venturing thought: One of the contributors to my group blog http://anbmjjgroup.blogspot.com/, Ena is a huge Gazette fan. Gazette is another famous band in Japan now and tours outside as well. However when they come to the states they play California.... and that's about it. I know it sucks cause I would totally see them if they came to Georgia, but I rub it in her face that MY fav band Diru goes ALL OVER the place yet HER fav, Gazette goes to one, if two places tops. But yeah it sort of shows how famous Dir en Grey has become in comparison to their competitors at home.)

Now to keep this thing moving along, cause I really want to show you MY Dir en grey/ the D.e.g. of today, I'll just go ahead and mention their second latest album UROBOROS. (Even the title is epic.) Uroboros really put Dir en Grey on the map! They become in high demand (among the people who have actually heard of them) and were being recognized by people who've never heard of them. Here is where they began THE ROSE TRIM AGAIN tour to promote the album. This was my first concert. First rock concert, first live concert (besides the ones I did in orchestra at school), first dir en grey concert, and first time I truly recognized my calling (corny but true.) I saw them; by myself, camera-less, and friend-less; this severe from connectivity to the outside world made me experience an experience that is just one of THOSE experienced that just HAS to be experienced and if not experienced, then you never experience life. I will stop the repetitive sentence their to apologize for my obvious passion about this band. But I must appose to you how utterly necessary it truly is. That concert was the best day of my life... including my birth I think.

Here's is the video for the song VINUSHKA, which is the 2nd track off the Uroboros album.

This song... I can't choose favorite songs by Diru because there are just.. sooo many good ones. But... this song *starts tearing up* this song is amazing. T_T *sniff, wipes tears away.* This song was actually a song about the nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.. You MUST know what I refer to. Yeah the lyrics are one of those things where you don't understand it immediately and have to use your process of interpretation and even then so might not understand it. But all the same, his voice is so heart-breakingly, breathtakingly wondrous that even if you don't read the lyrics and do not understand a word of what he sings, you still have some sort of emotion pulled out of you.
   I'm gonna add a few tracks off this album so you can listen to them. If you have time, I suggests you actually press play and hear the song all the way to the end. This is quality stuff people.

Here's Ware, Yami Tote:
Dir En Grey- Ware, Yami Tote by anbmjj

And Now Red Soil:
Dir en Grey- Red Soil by anbmjj

Now this post is getting quite long so I'll go ahead to their newest, and by far, their heaviest album to date. DUM SPIRO SPERO. I bought this album recently and boy am I a happy camper. ONE of my favorite songs off the album is Ruten No Tou: 

Dir en Grey- Ruten No Tou by anbmjj

Here is "dreambox"
Dir en Grey- 'Yokusou Ni Dreambox' Aruiwa Seijuku No Rinen To Tsumentai Ame by anbmjj

And now for Akatsuki
Dir en Grey- Akatsuki by anbmjj

Now for some more Pics! :D 


Kyo

  

Die

   

  




Kaoru

 

 

Toshiya

Shinya

 

  

Nothing to Eat

Walk into the kitchen, check the refrigerator. Check the cabinets, check the pantry... Nothing to eat. An hour later when my stomach reminds me that, that last time I checked the kitchen- I didn't actually feed myself. My mind has a moment of realization. And then my stomach chimes in on anticipation. Ah the connection. The connection of mind and body... if only that connection had a hand on my soul.

I check the refrigerator. This time I check the freezer as well, maybe I missed something... nothing. Nothing but the cool breeze that touches my face. Some recognition. My soul feels the similarity of the temperature and reconciles with it. Ah, the sweet breeze that I feel every time I open the freezer door. It reminds me of whenever I reach inside myself, empty, cold, dry. I check the rest of the storage in the kitchen. Nothing is different from the last time. Why I keep checking, I do not know.

Once more, I lift my hungered, weak body from the computer chair, hoping to find some food. I walk into the kitchen but forget to turn on the light. This hunger that I experience has touched my mind. I try to roam it to see if I can prove that the hunger did not just kill off all my brain cells. I feel a little safer because the very act of this tells me it did not. Yet fear rises in me. It is dark, just as the kitchen, just as my cold soul. I check the refrigerator, I check the freezer, I check the cabinets, and I check the pantry. Wait! There is light. I go towards the ball of light and cradle it in my arms. You shall revive my mind, body, and soul. You are my future.


    I really hope you guys understand this cause its obviously meant to be metaphoric. I didn't not plan on writing this (just as most of my other writings) I simply wanted to add a new post. Hope your hungry.

Hey look! It's my group :3

http://anbmjjgroup.blogspot.com/ check it ouutt! Awesome people post awesome stuff. (It's very new so it is under construction.. Have patience, the baby will become prettier. *proud mama*

The "As he kissed her goodnight she stirred awake" Series

      For all you above average artists and writers out there. You know when you begin your work and you come to a fork in the road? With a work of art its "either I add this or I add this." With a piece of writing its "either my story goes this way or it goes that way." Yeah well that happened to me so I decided to go both paths. To be completely honest, I wrote ONE sentence and ended up with two completely different yet slightly similar stories. But the thing is when I was writing I came across several forks. In the first story I fear the some of the forks I came to.. I ended up going the wrong way. (lol) However in the second story, among the several forks I encountered.. for the most part I choose the correct ones ;). 
     So without further adu, here is path number one (aka the red pill *matrix reference*... don't worry it has nothing to do with the matrix... however for anyone who has red Stephanie Meyer's Saga.. its has some influence, yes. )


      As he kissed her goodnight she stirred awake. She tilts her head a little and see’s no one and nothing but the light shining through from the moon.  “That’s strange..?” Her hand grazes her cheek, still moist. She was slightly confused considering he’d never even been inside her house before. However, he HAS been in her dreams on countless occasions to make believe it was almost real. Maybe a midnight glass will put her mind at ease. She gets up to go to the kitchen and feels a slight breeze against her nightgown. “I didn't leave the window open” she says to herself “Or... maybe I did. Mmh, whatever.” She’s heads to the kitchen to get her favorite red wine, Merlot; not too sweet and not too dry. She pours it into the wine glass that she’s used more times than she could possibly count and begins sipping the dark red liquid. “If this thing were just slightly thicker, it’d practically be blood” she says out loud.  “Funny you should say that,” an unknown voice announces. The woman screams at the top of her lungs and turns with the glass in hand, ready to use as a weapon. But she stops short as she catches a glimpse of the creature that iterated the sentence. It was the man she’s dreamt of over and over again. The love she never had a chance to touch.

“It’s you,” she whispers out. “I am sorry I startled you, it wasn’t my intention to, you must believe me.” “He has an accent?” she thinks to herself. The man only smiles. The woman slowly lets down her defense and stands as is frozen, looking at the man quizzically.  “Ah yes, surely you have questions and I, of course, can answer them.” He waits for an accord and does not get an answer. A couple of long seconds pass and the woman slowly, but surely nods.  He huffs air as if he did not want her to agree to his question. “I must say I will be quite embarrassed to appose upon you the secret I’ve been keeping from you for the past 3 years.” This got her going, exactly as he intended. “Wait a second, what secret could you possibly have held so strictly that I wouldn’t even remember our contacting in the first place!?” She was afraid she already knew, as well as she was terrified to ask how. The man begins to laugh. Yet it is not the laugh of a man. The woman swears that his laugh went up and down at least 3 octaves. But the laugh itself was music to her ears, so much so that she wanted to faint from seduction.  The man senses the change in her and immediately stops. “I’m sorry” he clears his throat, “I did not mean to upset you (he lies to prevent her from knowing anymore than there was necessary to know just yet.)” “Oh, no I’m fine,” she gasps out. “Perhaps we should sit you down first mmh?” The man slowly takes a step towards her. She wants to stop him considering he’s a complete stranger, but then she thinks “how can he be a stranger if I dreamt of him for the past several years?” Her mind wins over intuition and she chooses to put up her guard. “Don’t- come any closer” She stutters out. He stops dead in his tracks and backs away a few paces; hands up in compliance. “I do not wish to harm you. You must understand, I would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt you” he hesitates to say what his heart wants him to say, then chooses to oblige “my love.” The woman is dumbfounded and does not know how to respond. Normally she would call the stranger a creapo and ignore it. But when he said it, it just felt so natural. So much so that she almost unthinkingly responded with her own words of endearment.

The night drew on as the two began exchanging there sides of what they know about the love they’ve shared. Of course the man’s recount is actually true. However the woman found that the things the man was telling her were not only his recollection, but that she had recognition of them. She was past the point of being weireded out when the man slowly began to give hints of what he was. The woman lifted her eyes to his, and almost lost herself, but kept stead because of what he was building up to say. Yet… he never said. He stopped as if he wanted her to know already without him having to say anymore. His wish came true. She knew what he was, and she knew his stories were true. Seeing how this man was part of the supernatural, she considered the fact that he could have easily lead her to believe these things with what ever such powers he may have. But she didn’t want to believe that because she KNEW. She felt it all the way down to the flesh clinging to her bones, and even further. He-is-my-love, and nothing and no one could say differently.