Sooo... Why is life so damn difficult?

Now that I type out the beginning of the post I realize a possible answer to this question... Perhaps god intended it to be difficult because you need to fight for something as magnificent as life. To HAVE life is a HELL of a lot better than being dead. Of course depending on your beliefs... it may not be. But to me, life is something so fucking beautiful and indescribable that there is nothing in comparison. So I understand having to fight for it. I will tell you now, I only got to that opinion about life after hating my own so I'm not just some pansy who cant see past butterflies and candy. I see the darkness AND the light.

But how do I get to where I want to go?

Well... PHYSICALLY.. I want to go to Nihon (Japan). But hypothetically, I want to get to a place in life where I'm not worried about how I will pay all my bills. My friend says I shouldn't fear bills after I told him I'm too scared to deal with them. (I'm not paying any just yet.) But PROOF that bills are things that CAN be feared, and it is intelligent TO fear them.. my mother. She just called me to tell me that she's cutting off the phones because she owes verizon wireless $1400. But she ended up going in to a whole preach about how I must finish school or else I will end up struggling like she does everyday. I never wondered where I got my emo-ness from but I now realize that it was totally her. She just never wore it in her clothes, or painted it on her face like I did. She told me how she wouldn't even afford dying if it were to come right now. (That's when I started crying.) I can't BEAR the thought of her dying. But I realize everyone must die eventually. So I just want her to die happy. If she were to die now... it wouldn't be happy.

The IDEA of college is really just another way to take money from people.

Trust me, it is! I see through "the lies of the beautiful people" (aka the rich, the man, however else you want to call it.) College is a conspiracy. When it all comes down to it... it truly is. The problem is it benefits you. If it didn't benefit people, perhaps THEN they would see that the idea is not of loving/caring hearts but of greedy/grabby hands. They don't give a damn about you.. but then again neither do you in vice versa right? Not only college, but life insurance... why can't we do what Adam and Eve did. Live, and then die. They didn't have insurance I can tell you that. And somehow they managed to live perfectly fine without it. So why is it so necessary? That's because in this society, in mostly ALL society's of the world, nothing is free.. "The Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch or TINSTAAFL". There couldn't be a true-er statement... yet again however, things were free for Adam and Eve. Somewhere along the line it evolved and so we have no choice. Same concept really.

I just want to live my life they way I want and then die.

Is that too much to ask for? A fortune teller told me I wouldn't live past 50... make that 2. Two completely different times in my life and 2 completely different people. I didn't think I would either before they told me, so them telling me really confirmed it. Pfft, I find that humorous... but I still do not doubt it. So why should I waste 8-10 years of my life to get a degree in a high earning field when I will waste my youthful years doing it and I wont have much time to enjoy my efforts? Exactly why I'm not pursuing a doctorates in anything. Life is short. My life is shorter than "life." So why should I waste it? I want to fulfill my bucket list, and then live out the rest of my life in peace. Unfortunately.. pursuing anything cost money... money is earned. I need a degree to earn a lot of money so that I can pursue the things on my bucket list. And so the circle of truth is found. Unfortunately.. this circle doesn't have enough time to keep spinning without action. Action must be made immediately or else I would have lived for nothing. 

     

My mother was going to abort me. Maaaybe I should do something to prove that her leaving that idea wasn't a bad decision.... maybe.

Now I realize, after my mom called today and stated balling her eyes out, that going to college and getting a degree so that I can earn more money is something that has to be done for the both of us. She went to college, but couldn't finish it because of a measly subject she kept failing. Math... Math ruined my mother's life. Maybe my skill at math was a sign... maybe... pfft, maybe? Of course it was! Any fool would realize that. So why I waste my time at a dead end job getting less hours a week then people get in a day is past my comprehension. Sometimes you just gotta step back from your life and look at it to see the problem.. For me, I already knew the problem.. it was just a dark and difficult road to go down in order to fix. Yet for some reason, it was illuminated by obviousiality. (I know that's not a word but you know what I mean.) It was so obvious.

"You are smart, so frickin smart, but you're just lazy!"

I know mom... I know. And I now know laziness kills. Laziness can literally ruin my life. It is that time now to choose. And the road is so obvious, that if I choose the latter of the two, I would have lived and died for nothing.